Stay

My heart is hurting

As my brain runs through scenario

After scenario

After scenario 

Of what I would say to you if you were here,

Because I should have said any part of them

Any one of the times I had you.

I imagine Jane telling you

My eyes going wide

As I realize the secret is out.

I imagine seeing you at the wedding

As I tell you I'd left him,

I imagine running into you in town

But this time I don't turn away,

Instead I walk to you and kiss you.

I know the years have passed,

That we have too many mutual friends

Friends that you like 

That I don't and can't, 

That you're obsessed with football

And I love soccer,

That I hurt you

When I chose someone else,

That I wasn't able to give you 

Everything you deserved,

And that you were probably scared 

Of being the guy that did to your friend

What I was asking you to do to him.

But despite all of that

I'm asking you to stay 

To give me a chance

To prove that I'm so much more

Than the faults I couldn't overcome 

All those years ago.

I'm asking you to stay

Because I know 

You need the grand gesture,

Because I know your anxiety is always there

Like the hulk, but instead of angry,

You're always nervous.

I'm asking you to stay

Because I'm pretty sure I was in love with you,

That I probably still am.

Because when I was with you

On those late nights in the kitchen

When we were supposed to be watching a movie

Or on those eight hour drives back home

I didn't have butterflies and nerves

I felt at peace, comfortable, 

Like I'd been with you for years.

And they say that you just know,

Well once we were sharing that apartment 

Even with our lips not having met

I was pretty sure you were the one.

I had obligations and fears

Trying to do the 'right' thing,

To not be that wife,

To not put you in that position,

To get away from you

And see if I could save my marriage,

But you were always there

Despite the state lines I crossed

Despite the other men I came across,

None of them were you,

And my marriage fell anyway

Long before he got sick.

I wish I hadn't waited so long,

Wish I'd been brave enough to stay with you

All those years ago,

But I'm hoping it's better late than never,

That I'm asking now

Offering my beat up heart

That you may not even want,

Asking what would you say 

If I offered you me,

With all the dirt and dust and miles etched in,

And promised to stay this time

To be here with and for you.

Would you stay?