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**trigger warning - self harm**

You beat against the door

Screaming my name

But I can't reach you.

My eyes close

My body tired 

And my brain running on fumes.

Everything feels so far away

And then you're there,

Hands on my face,

On my legs

On my arms.

You're bellowing at me

I can feel the vibrations

But the words are drowned out.

And then I'm moving

You're carrying me somewhere,

I see your jaw locked down tight

A tick in your cheek

As it all goes black.

When I come to

I hear before I see -

Something is beeping.

I feel before I see -

Something is on my hand.

I open my eyes -

Everything is bright and white

Sterile;

Then there's you

My fallen angel

Watching me -

Raw fury on your face

Mixed with a level of despair I've never seen.

I close my eyes

Everything too much

And yet not enough at the same time.

The first tear tracks down my cheek

And your fingers,

The only hands I trust now,

Brush it away.

I can't look at you

But I feel your lips on my forehead.

I squeeze my eyes harder

Wishing I'd managed to cut it out

That part of me I hate

That part that eats at me

No matter how you try to love it out of me.

My stomach is empty,

Has been for days,

But I want to vomit

Every part of me aching.

You whisper something

But I can't focus on it.

You raise your voice

Demanding my attention.

I open my eyes,

Only for you,

And you watch me -

Fear on your face

As you tell me all the things I don't want to hear.

I thrash against the bed

Then against your hands 

As you hold me to it,

My vocal chords strain with my screams.

I'm sobbing

As you gently pull me to you,

My only constant now.

You take me to your house

My new home

Because I can't be trusted on my own anymore.

It may as well be filled with child locks and bumpers

For all the ways you've locked it down

Against anything I could hurt myself with.

I fall asleep smelling you around me,

The only comforting thing I can find

Despite all of my things you've brought over.

I wake in your arms

Tears on your face

As you watch me.

You kiss me

Gently,

Like everything with me is now.

All of the dreams and plans I had -

That we had -

They've burnt to ash.

Time is frozen now

As we exist here

In this bubble

That we both wanted

But never like this.

I'm never alone now

In my new normal. 

But eventually 

Enough people poke and prod

And I'm deemed safe.

You,

The 'you' you were before

Come back to me.

Smiles come back.

Laughter comes easier.

Sunshine filters through the windows

Giving you a halo -

My fallen angel,

Or are you fallen after all?

You saved my life

In more ways than one.

Eventually we do get more,

Even with bad days.

We get back to freedom -

Car rides with windows down

Chasing waves at the beach

Coffee runs at six o'clock at night.

We get back to love -

Date nights with short dresses

Sloppy kisses as I hop out of your car

Late nights filled with you.

We get back to us -

Dancing in the living room

Sunday morning coffee and pancakes

I Love Lucy reruns each night.

And somewhere along the way

You stopped seeming so dark

And I stopped seeming so light,

But instead we're both gray

Having traded half of our heart for the other.

It may not have been how I wanted it

But it's ours,

And you never ran from it -

Only loved me harder,

Even when I was shoving you away.

I'd never deserved you,

Too broken for anyone to have to deal with,

But you picked up my pieces

Holding them safe 

Until I was ready to put myself back together

Under your watchful eye.

And as I watch you 

Sleeping beside me

I can't help but think that maybe that rock bottom

Was exactly what we used as our foundation 

And is the reason that

While I may break

I'll never be broken again

Because I'll never be alone

As you stand beside me.