Inside Out

I used to run
Racing from demons
No one else could see.
Then I met you,
And a part of my soul quieted
As you seemed to just...
Get it.
But I couldn't be yours,
So I ran again...
And you followed -
Cool, calm, collected,
Tracking me
Through millions of miles of hell.

When I'd collapse from exhaustion,
There you were,
Helping pick me up,
Dusting me off,
Holding me close...
Loving me despite the scars.
And yet,
I'd inevitably set off again.

But somewhere along the way,
I realized that during each break,
Resting with you,
Well, I didn't really want to run.
Which made me run faster.
And yet, you never gave up.
You understand that I'm skittish,
And you've held my heart
Longer than anyone else.
Maybe you like the chase,
But you tell me each time,
That all you want
Is me,
No matter how fickle I may be,
So you don't try and cage me.

And here we are,
So many years after that initial chase,
Your fingers holding my face
Your lips brushing mine
Your eyes staring into my soul
As you ask me
"Are you happy?
That's all I've ever wanted."
And I break a little,
Because I wish you knew the answer,
Wish I was able to show you enough,
That you didn't have to question if
You
Make me happy -
Because I know that's what you're asking.
And I don't want to run again,
But I still can't have you.
And I am happy,
With you,
So deliriously happy,
So at peace,
And I genuinely couldn't say
Which mattered more.
And yet,
As I look into your green eyes,
And feel you holding me
So safe in yours arms,
A piece of my heart breaks.

One day.
One day I'll be able to stop running.
One day I'll be able to say 'I love you'
Without feeling like I'm choking on the words.
One day I'll be able to breathe easy
As I rest beside you.
One day I'll be able to stand beside you
And not be waiting for instinct to kick in
Telling me to bolt.

I know it's you -
You're the one,
My twin flame.
You know it.
All of our friends know it.
But I can't make myself stop running.
And I know I need to,
Know that I want to.
But I have so many choices to make
Before I can feel safe enough to stop,
Choices I want to make,
But haven't yet had the courage to.
But this time,
This rest,
It feels different.
And I genuinely think we're close,
I might be able to stop soon.
And I want it,
God how I want it.
But we're not there yet.
So I tell you that,
Yes, I'm happy,
And it's so true,
While also being a beautiful lie,
And you know it.

I am happy,
With you.
But there's so much between us,
Not just the miles we keep traversing.
With you,
In your arms,
Holding your hand on the couch,
Lying beside you in bed,
Having you fill up this bleak heart,
It's more than I could have ever expected.
I feel like an addict -
Unable to get enough of you,
But inevitably I'll realize it can't last,
Like any high,
And I'll run...
And you'll follow.

All I can hope
Is that we really are nearing the end,
That my courage is growing,
So that next time I can walk to you,
Rather than making you chase.
And as we find each other
I'll say it first,
"I love you"
And it'll be the beginning of it all.