Delicate Like a Bomb

*trigger warning - self harm*

I can't make up my mind
How I feel about you right now.
A part of me wants to walk away
And never look back.
Another part of me wants to give you a chance
To show me how you might act
In a way that's not as volatile.

Because all I know is
Tit for tat.
That's how I grew up
And when push comes to shove,
It's still how I respond.
And when years of depression and anxiety
Don't have you giving me a green light,
Or providing supportive solutions that aren't
Volcanic eruptions,
But instead ask me to shrink back,
To not rock the boat,
I want to say:
How far would you have me shrink?
How small would be "convenient" for you?
How many times would you like me
To rake that razor across my flesh
So that you don't have to feel the burden?
How many pills would you have me be on
So as to keep the peace for you?

Because these are my options.
These are what you're asking of me.
Stay silent
And let the demon inside eat me alive -
That's easier for you right?

Because you ignored it for years,
The silent crying,
Sometimes with you beside me in bed.
And you didn't seem to care
When I almost drove my car off the road.
And you didn't even notice
When I began cutting again.
And you still don't notice some of it now,
When you certainly should,
And shame on you for not.

The best part of it all?
Now you're delicate,
And can't handle the stress,
Even from a conversation about it.
So here I am,
Sitting in another room
Trying to write down all the ways
That I want to scream at you
For all of the monumental ways
You've failed to be
Remotely
What I need.
And yet you'll never read these words,
As you choose not to read
Any of them.
Because you're so disinterested
In anything that isn't easy.

And if there's one thing I am not,
It's easy.
I'm delicate,
But not like a vase,
I'm delicate like a bomb.
I don't claim to be an easy person to love,
Despite the fact that you'll tell me I am...
And then fight me the moment a thorn shows up.

So tell me to keep the peace
One more time.
Ask me to go back to that closet
Where I don't interfere with anyone's life.
Have me be your perfect doll of china...
And see how long I stay in that cabinet
Before I shatter it all,
Myself included.