Stepping Out

You ask me how I'm doing

And I tell you I'm fine,

Rushing to tell you all the good things

Everyone wants to hear.

And I have to admit 

You're the first to catch it

As you tell me that if I say I'm

Good or fine

One more time maybe we'll both believe it -

That you know my real smile

And the one I'm wearing 

Well, it's as plastic is they come.

And I freeze.

Most people don't really want to know how

  I'm 

Doing amidst everything.

They may care about the situation I'm in

Or they may care for the other people in it,

But me,

I'm just collateral damage.

So when I say I'm fine

And rush on to the other details...

That's enough for them.

They hear my words,

And they move on to the bigger parts of the story.

But you,

Sweet Mary,

You,

You actually care...

About me.

And I want to break down 

Admit all the things going wrong

All the struggles

And how the fake smiles just lead to burnout,

But I have such survival mechanisms engrained

That I don't quite feel that I can.

So I laugh it off and tell you that

No, really, I'm fine - just doing my thing!

And you look ready to throttle me,

My only saving grace 

Being that we're in a Starbucks parking lot.

My smile falters at your face

Because you look so disappointed 

So hurt that I can't entrust you with this,

But if I open up here,

I'll fall apart completely. 

So I pull it back together 

As you lean forward to tell me that you're there 

Any day, any time.

And the fact that there's no false positivity, 

No telling me how I should do this or that,

No telling me where I should move,

Or any of the 20 million other comments 

That I'm begrudgingly used to hearing 

Well, I'm frozen in place.

This isn't how these conversations go,

And believe me, 

I've had enough of them to say that with confidence.

And I want so badly to tell you,

But I smile again 

Say that that's sweet of you,

But really, 

"I'm fine"

We both say at the same time

Before you step into my bubble

Your eyes locking on mine

As my breath locks in my throat  

And you speak with a quiet wrath I've never heard before:

"You can lie to everyone else,

Tell them you're fine

Because they're too dense to see it for what it is:

A bold faced lie,

But you don't lie to me."

I know I'm in trouble,

Because I'm not used to someone caring this much.

So I take a shaky breath in

And nod

Because all my words seem to have vanished.

But there's an odd feeling warring inside me.

Am I grateful for an out to talk about it?

Am I upset you're pushing so much?

Am I unsure how much to open up?

Who knows. 

All I do know is that I appreciate you stepping up 

At a time when most everyone else

Is stepping out.